CLOTH VS. DISPOSABLE DIAPERS

Ralph Nader, Ed Begley Jr., and hardcore fans of the Dave Matthews Band may try to convince you otherwise, but believe me: you do NOT want to mess with cloth diapers.

Cloth diapers are a stinky poopy mess that end up costing just as much as disposable diapers (contrary to popular belief) and are, ultimately, no better for the environment - no matter what "facts" environmentalists without children may site. (I admittedly have no "facts" to back up my argument either, but I'm not the one trying to convince you to use cloth diapers!)

Hippies will tell you, "Disposable diapers contain chemicals that seep into your baby's skin." Hmm, have you ever read an obituary that said, "He died of complications stemming from slight occasional traces of Dioxin in his diaper as an infant"? I didn't think so.

Hippies will tell you, "Over 92% of single-use diapers end up in a landfill." To which I say, "As long as they don't end up on my dinner plate - ZING!"

Hippies will tell you, "The manufacture and use of disposable diapers amounts to 2.3 times more water wasted than cloth." To which I say, "Oh no! We have such a SHORTAGE of water here on planet Earth - We're down to our last 332,500,000 cubic miles of the stuff, for Neptune's sake!"

Hippies will tell you, "It takes 250-500 years for a disposable diaper to decompose." Really? Well, Jerry Garcia has ALREADY decomposed, but I still have to deal with the unbearable shit HE'S responsible for every time I go to my pot dealer's house (which I don't do, of course, since I'm a responsible parent.)

I guarantee you: anyone preaching the virtues of cloth diapers has either (a) no kids, or (b) one very, very, very, VERY young kid. The Best Dad Ever says, "Be a happy camper - Use a friggin Pamper!"

(In the interests of full disclosure, I should point out I've never actually used a cloth diaper, have done absolutely no research on the subject, and have no idea what I'm talking about. That said, I'm still probably right.)

TELEVISION a/k/a THE CHEAPEST BABYSITTER

There's a school of thought that claims television is BAD. Bad for everyone, they say, but ESPECIALLY horrible for your kids. They'll tell you it rots and corrupts their pure, unadulterated, perfect virgin minds.

These people are wrong.

Television, like many powerful tools (nuclear energy, Donald Trump) can be used for good OR evil. No, your child doesn't need daily exposure to aggressive advertisement for Cookie Crisp (an amazing feat in marketing, by the way - passing off a box of cookies as a viable breakfast choice), but that's why God (in conjunction with Al Gore) created DVD players and TiVo.

Programs like "Sesame Street", "Signing Time", and the "Baby Einstein" series are among the most educational, mentally-stimulating weapons a parent has in the War on Stupid. Take it from The Best Dad Ever - and don't let the luddites tell you otherwise.

RAMONES SHIRTS ON KIDS

Just don't do it. PLEASE.

BABY NAMES

Before you fill out the "name" line on your baby's birth certificate application, take a step back and remember: your child is going to have to live with this decision for the rest of his or her life.

Don't be ironic. Don't try to be funny. Just imagine what that name will look like to a HireBot 3000 on a job application to Starbuxxon-Mobilsoft in the late 2030s.

Of course, if you're a rich and famous celebrity, this rule doesn't apply. Not only will your child's inherited wealth, status, and influence in the rarified society he'll inhabit make the stigma of a novelty name irrelevant, it will be the LEAST of his concerns after eighteen years of a drink-addled, self-involved mother, an aloof, philandering father, three to seven step-parents, a peer group experimenting with heroin in 5th grade, and a steady stream of non-English-speaking immigrant nannies as primary caregiver.

However, if you DO live in reality, here's a sampling (which I'll expand upon in the future) of definite "DON'Ts" - ideas to steer clear of when making that huge decision: what will be the word you shriek in violent rage the first time junior spits up all over your MacBook keyboard:

AUTHORS - Absolutely screams pretense. Naming a child "Hemmingway", "Fitzgerald", "Faulkner", "Cervantes", "Kafka", or "That Weird New Age Chick Who Wrote 'The Secret'" is ALWAYS a bad idea.

"JERMAJESTY" - Jermaine Jackson's seventh child has either the greatest name in the history of the English language OR the worst. But, in either case, best it just be used that once, methinks.

NEW YORK CITY BOROUGHS - Brooklyn Beckham and Bronx "Ashlee Simpson's son" Wentz are actually both decent enough-sounding names. But the only person naming their kid "Long Island" should be rapper Ice-T ... And actually, Long Island isn't even a borough of NYC, as I just discovered on Wikipedia, so scratch that, too.

THE ULTIMATE EXCUSE

Yes, being a parent is gruelling and tiring in ways the unreproductive could never possibly imagine. But there IS a benefit to fatherhood they don't tell you about in "legit" parenting books: your kids can be used as THE ULTIMATE EXCUSE to weasel out of anything you don't really want to do.

Of course, valid use of your children as a reason to flake doesn't extend to your wife - she's in the same boat as you, and since it's even likely her belly housed the beasts in question for nine months each, that bird definitely won't fly. Heck, she may even have given up her nipples to the brats as chew toys for another half-year afterwards. You're definintely taking your visiting in-laws to Applebee's for fried cheese burritos tonight, my friend.

But if you're looking to blow off your sister's trust-a-fundian boyfriend's art opening, one quick call claiming your son has the flu gets you off the hook instantly - no questions asked. (Helpful hint: cleverly positioning a screaming child close to the receiver during the call makes it even easier.)

Is that annoyingly loud fat-ass at work aggressively inviting you out for a post-shift happy hour sloshfest on a daily basis? Just keep up the "Aw gee, I'd love to, but I have to pick up the little ones at daycare" routine and he'll eventually get the hint. Before long you'll be so good at it, you'll be capable of dodging a wartime draft by just mumbling something about swimming lessons under your breath.

The downside to all this? There's a HELL of a lot of things you WANT to do that you CAN'T once kids are on the scene. But nobody ever said it'd be easy being The Best Dad Ever.