Just don't do it. PLEASE.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
BABY NAMES
Before you fill out the "name" line on your baby's birth certificate application, take a step back and remember: your child is going to have to live with this decision for the rest of his or her life.
Don't be ironic. Don't try to be funny. Just imagine what that name will look like to a HireBot 3000 on a job application to Starbuxxon-Mobilsoft in the late 2030s.
Of course, if you're a rich and famous celebrity, this rule doesn't apply. Not only will your child's inherited wealth, status, and influence in the rarified society he'll inhabit make the stigma of a novelty name irrelevant, it will be the LEAST of his concerns after eighteen years of a drink-addled, self-involved mother, an aloof, philandering father, three to seven step-parents, a peer group experimenting with heroin in 5th grade, and a steady stream of non-English-speaking immigrant nannies as primary caregiver.
However, if you DO live in reality, here's a sampling (which I'll expand upon in the future) of definite "DON'Ts" - ideas to steer clear of when making that huge decision: what will be the word you shriek in violent rage the first time junior spits up all over your MacBook keyboard:
AUTHORS - Absolutely screams pretense. Naming a child "Hemmingway", "Fitzgerald", "Faulkner", "Cervantes", "Kafka", or "That Weird New Age Chick Who Wrote 'The Secret'" is ALWAYS a bad idea.
"JERMAJESTY" - Jermaine Jackson's seventh child has either the greatest name in the history of the English language OR the worst. But, in either case, best it just be used that once, methinks.
NEW YORK CITY BOROUGHS - Brooklyn Beckham and Bronx "Ashlee Simpson's son" Wentz are actually both decent enough-sounding names. But the only person naming their kid "Long Island" should be rapper Ice-T ... And actually, Long Island isn't even a borough of NYC, as I just discovered on Wikipedia, so scratch that, too.
Don't be ironic. Don't try to be funny. Just imagine what that name will look like to a HireBot 3000 on a job application to Starbuxxon-Mobilsoft in the late 2030s.
Of course, if you're a rich and famous celebrity, this rule doesn't apply. Not only will your child's inherited wealth, status, and influence in the rarified society he'll inhabit make the stigma of a novelty name irrelevant, it will be the LEAST of his concerns after eighteen years of a drink-addled, self-involved mother, an aloof, philandering father, three to seven step-parents, a peer group experimenting with heroin in 5th grade, and a steady stream of non-English-speaking immigrant nannies as primary caregiver.
However, if you DO live in reality, here's a sampling (which I'll expand upon in the future) of definite "DON'Ts" - ideas to steer clear of when making that huge decision: what will be the word you shriek in violent rage the first time junior spits up all over your MacBook keyboard:
AUTHORS - Absolutely screams pretense. Naming a child "Hemmingway", "Fitzgerald", "Faulkner", "Cervantes", "Kafka", or "That Weird New Age Chick Who Wrote 'The Secret'" is ALWAYS a bad idea.
"JERMAJESTY" - Jermaine Jackson's seventh child has either the greatest name in the history of the English language OR the worst. But, in either case, best it just be used that once, methinks.
NEW YORK CITY BOROUGHS - Brooklyn Beckham and Bronx "Ashlee Simpson's son" Wentz are actually both decent enough-sounding names. But the only person naming their kid "Long Island" should be rapper Ice-T ... And actually, Long Island isn't even a borough of NYC, as I just discovered on Wikipedia, so scratch that, too.
THE ULTIMATE EXCUSE
Yes, being a parent is gruelling and tiring in ways the unreproductive could never possibly imagine. But there IS a benefit to fatherhood they don't tell you about in "legit" parenting books: your kids can be used as THE ULTIMATE EXCUSE to weasel out of anything you don't really want to do.
Of course, valid use of your children as a reason to flake doesn't extend to your wife - she's in the same boat as you, and since it's even likely her belly housed the beasts in question for nine months each, that bird definitely won't fly. Heck, she may even have given up her nipples to the brats as chew toys for another half-year afterwards. You're definintely taking your visiting in-laws to Applebee's for fried cheese burritos tonight, my friend.
But if you're looking to blow off your sister's trust-a-fundian boyfriend's art opening, one quick call claiming your son has the flu gets you off the hook instantly - no questions asked. (Helpful hint: cleverly positioning a screaming child close to the receiver during the call makes it even easier.)
Is that annoyingly loud fat-ass at work aggressively inviting you out for a post-shift happy hour sloshfest on a daily basis? Just keep up the "Aw gee, I'd love to, but I have to pick up the little ones at daycare" routine and he'll eventually get the hint. Before long you'll be so good at it, you'll be capable of dodging a wartime draft by just mumbling something about swimming lessons under your breath.
The downside to all this? There's a HELL of a lot of things you WANT to do that you CAN'T once kids are on the scene. But nobody ever said it'd be easy being The Best Dad Ever.
Of course, valid use of your children as a reason to flake doesn't extend to your wife - she's in the same boat as you, and since it's even likely her belly housed the beasts in question for nine months each, that bird definitely won't fly. Heck, she may even have given up her nipples to the brats as chew toys for another half-year afterwards. You're definintely taking your visiting in-laws to Applebee's for fried cheese burritos tonight, my friend.
But if you're looking to blow off your sister's trust-a-fundian boyfriend's art opening, one quick call claiming your son has the flu gets you off the hook instantly - no questions asked. (Helpful hint: cleverly positioning a screaming child close to the receiver during the call makes it even easier.)
Is that annoyingly loud fat-ass at work aggressively inviting you out for a post-shift happy hour sloshfest on a daily basis? Just keep up the "Aw gee, I'd love to, but I have to pick up the little ones at daycare" routine and he'll eventually get the hint. Before long you'll be so good at it, you'll be capable of dodging a wartime draft by just mumbling something about swimming lessons under your breath.
The downside to all this? There's a HELL of a lot of things you WANT to do that you CAN'T once kids are on the scene. But nobody ever said it'd be easy being The Best Dad Ever.
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