Yes, being a parent is gruelling and tiring in ways the unreproductive could never possibly imagine. But there IS a benefit to fatherhood they don't tell you about in "legit" parenting books: your kids can be used as THE ULTIMATE EXCUSE to weasel out of anything you don't really want to do.
Of course, valid use of your children as a reason to flake doesn't extend to your wife - she's in the same boat as you, and since it's even likely her belly housed the beasts in question for nine months each, that bird definitely won't fly. Heck, she may even have given up her nipples to the brats as chew toys for another half-year afterwards. You're definintely taking your visiting in-laws to Applebee's for fried cheese burritos tonight, my friend.
But if you're looking to blow off your sister's trust-a-fundian boyfriend's art opening, one quick call claiming your son has the flu gets you off the hook instantly - no questions asked. (Helpful hint: cleverly positioning a screaming child close to the receiver during the call makes it even easier.)
Is that annoyingly loud fat-ass at work aggressively inviting you out for a post-shift happy hour sloshfest on a daily basis? Just keep up the "Aw gee, I'd love to, but I have to pick up the little ones at daycare" routine and he'll eventually get the hint. Before long you'll be so good at it, you'll be capable of dodging a wartime draft by just mumbling something about swimming lessons under your breath.
The downside to all this? There's a HELL of a lot of things you WANT to do that you CAN'T once kids are on the scene. But nobody ever said it'd be easy being The Best Dad Ever.
Of course, valid use of your children as a reason to flake doesn't extend to your wife - she's in the same boat as you, and since it's even likely her belly housed the beasts in question for nine months each, that bird definitely won't fly. Heck, she may even have given up her nipples to the brats as chew toys for another half-year afterwards. You're definintely taking your visiting in-laws to Applebee's for fried cheese burritos tonight, my friend.
But if you're looking to blow off your sister's trust-a-fundian boyfriend's art opening, one quick call claiming your son has the flu gets you off the hook instantly - no questions asked. (Helpful hint: cleverly positioning a screaming child close to the receiver during the call makes it even easier.)
Is that annoyingly loud fat-ass at work aggressively inviting you out for a post-shift happy hour sloshfest on a daily basis? Just keep up the "Aw gee, I'd love to, but I have to pick up the little ones at daycare" routine and he'll eventually get the hint. Before long you'll be so good at it, you'll be capable of dodging a wartime draft by just mumbling something about swimming lessons under your breath.
The downside to all this? There's a HELL of a lot of things you WANT to do that you CAN'T once kids are on the scene. But nobody ever said it'd be easy being The Best Dad Ever.
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