CLOTH VS. DISPOSABLE DIAPERS

Ralph Nader, Ed Begley Jr., and hardcore fans of the Dave Matthews Band may try to convince you otherwise, but believe me: you do NOT want to mess with cloth diapers.

Cloth diapers are a stinky poopy mess that end up costing just as much as disposable diapers (contrary to popular belief) and are, ultimately, no better for the environment - no matter what "facts" environmentalists without children may site. (I admittedly have no "facts" to back up my argument either, but I'm not the one trying to convince you to use cloth diapers!)

Hippies will tell you, "Disposable diapers contain chemicals that seep into your baby's skin." Hmm, have you ever read an obituary that said, "He died of complications stemming from slight occasional traces of Dioxin in his diaper as an infant"? I didn't think so.

Hippies will tell you, "Over 92% of single-use diapers end up in a landfill." To which I say, "As long as they don't end up on my dinner plate - ZING!"

Hippies will tell you, "The manufacture and use of disposable diapers amounts to 2.3 times more water wasted than cloth." To which I say, "Oh no! We have such a SHORTAGE of water here on planet Earth - We're down to our last 332,500,000 cubic miles of the stuff, for Neptune's sake!"

Hippies will tell you, "It takes 250-500 years for a disposable diaper to decompose." Really? Well, Jerry Garcia has ALREADY decomposed, but I still have to deal with the unbearable shit HE'S responsible for every time I go to my pot dealer's house (which I don't do, of course, since I'm a responsible parent.)

I guarantee you: anyone preaching the virtues of cloth diapers has either (a) no kids, or (b) one very, very, very, VERY young kid. The Best Dad Ever says, "Be a happy camper - Use a friggin Pamper!"

(In the interests of full disclosure, I should point out I've never actually used a cloth diaper, have done absolutely no research on the subject, and have no idea what I'm talking about. That said, I'm still probably right.)

TELEVISION a/k/a THE CHEAPEST BABYSITTER

There's a school of thought that claims television is BAD. Bad for everyone, they say, but ESPECIALLY horrible for your kids. They'll tell you it rots and corrupts their pure, unadulterated, perfect virgin minds.

These people are wrong.

Television, like many powerful tools (nuclear energy, Donald Trump) can be used for good OR evil. No, your child doesn't need daily exposure to aggressive advertisement for Cookie Crisp (an amazing feat in marketing, by the way - passing off a box of cookies as a viable breakfast choice), but that's why God (in conjunction with Al Gore) created DVD players and TiVo.

Programs like "Sesame Street", "Signing Time", and the "Baby Einstein" series are among the most educational, mentally-stimulating weapons a parent has in the War on Stupid. Take it from The Best Dad Ever - and don't let the luddites tell you otherwise.